You might be tempted to not read this if you don’t play video games but I think you’d be missing out on some important life lessons.

I’m not a gamer by any stretch of the imagination, but every so often I jump into the digital fray and try my hand at what’s new.

“If you like dying in video games, you will love Elden Ring.” — Dropbear

As the title suggests (and from earlier posts), you will surmise that I’m playing a video game called Elden Ring. It’s a third-person action role-playing game that transports the player into a mystical world of knights, dragons, and all manner of things that go bump in the night. It is gorgeous, the creatures you encounter are creative and deadly, and you can conjure a yak out of your butt to get around.

This is where the fun stops. You will die. A lot.

It’s important to know three things that happen when you die because — let’s say for a moment — you’ve been playing 12 hours since you got this game. You would think you’d have some experience points, money, and some kick-ass weaponry. This is what you would think. You’ve seen some shit (nothing to do with the yak) and have done loads of stuff in adjoining lands. Yet you have no experience points, no money, and your armaments are barely improved despite dutifully gathering materials and smithing your little heart out.

Why? Why does it show that you have achieved 0% of the game?

It took a lot of Google-Fu to unlock this answer, but I finally found it in an article by Jeremy Gordon, “Here Be Dragons: The Beauty and Terror of Exploring’ Elden Ring.’” Jeremy suggests that the game-makers FromSoftware have an overriding philosophy to “find joy through pain,” and we can learn much from knowing this.

I’m going to cut to the chase and help out everyone who is thinking about playing this game, or is already playing this game (or just wants to die vicariously by reading about me playing this game), and is wondering the same things I was: Could I have made better life choices? Clearly, the answer is yes.

What really happens when I die in Elden Ring?

This is a great question and one I am extremely qualified to answer for you.

STEP 1. You get transported back to your last spawn point called “Site of Grace.”

Nice, I like this. This isn’t horrible. Sites of Grace are great. You can “rest,” learn spells, add functionality to things. Super nice.

STEP 2. You lose ⅓ of your money.

I had just sold a bunch of really cool things to buy some better fighting and defensive gear and went to a shopkeeper. It took me 10 hours of gameplay to amas this meagre fortune, but he didn’t have what I wanted, so I ventured across the land to the next shopkeeper.

Along the way, I thought it would be fun to stealth kill a bad guy with my arrow. So I shot this guy in the face. He pulled it out, grabbed a horn from somewhere in his armour and blew into it. Three seconds later, I was surrounded by 15 knights who proceeded to beat me into a paste. It was graphic and not fun but kinda hilarious. Instant karma and I was magically whisked back to my last spawn point.

I decided to just get to the next shopkeeper, not to kill anyone along the way, and go buy some new stuff to help me on my quest — whatever my quest might be—I learned my lesson. Along the way, a huge dragon literally drops out of nowhere and fries my body to a crisp. Back to the “Site of Grace,” I go.

Ensuring this doesn’t happen again, I avoid the guy with the horn, and the fire-breathing dragon, only to meet up with a regal and dashing knight on horseback. There I am with an apple for the horse and call out, “Hello, Knight!” Over he comes, you can hear the fancy clip-clop of hooves. Just as they get to me, the horse rears up and stomps me repeatedly with both hooves until my spine is a pile of toothpicks.

I’m just trying to get to the store! Poof, back I go to my crappy little “Site of Grace” to sulk.

Very, very carefully, I sneak my way across the land to get to the shopkeeper, and when I finally get there and find exactly what I’m looking for, I go into my wallet, only to discover all my money is gone.

At this point, I decide I need a break (shopping is hard). I know, I’ll make myself feel better and “Rest at the Site of Grace” and “Level Up.”

STEP 3. You lose all your Experience Points upon death

When you die, you lose all your experience points (XP). All XP is gone? “That’s crazy!” you cry, "What kind of sick bastard would do that?" And you are correct to be miffed about this turn of events, but the makers of this game have your back — the same makers whose motto is "finding joy through pain"—you just have to make it from your spawn point back to where you died without dying, and you’ll regain your XP.

However, if you die along the way to get your XP, all XP will be gone for good. Hypothetically, let’s say you died because a 20m tall dragon appeared and fried you to a crisp, so you carefully head back to that spot to get your XP. Upon arriving there, a 20m tall dragon shows up and fries you to a crisp.

Back at the Site of Grace for you. With no XP and empty pockets, you could be tempted to say this game is not fun. And you would be right. It’s infuriating. It’s also really hilarious.

I believe the lands of Elden Ring are based on what it must be like living in Australia — beautiful but deadly. At least in Australia, the people are friendly. There is nothing friendly about Elden Ring except the tortoises and Pikachu-rabbit-squirrels, but I fear this won’t last.