4. Enlightened at Camp Covid

Wisdom in a world of uncertainty

Catch up on the rest of the story and read the tales of 'Camp COVID' in order: 1. Alive and Well at Camp Covid 2. Adventures at Camp Covid 3. Life and Times at Camp Covid 4. Enlightened at Camp Covid 5. Leaving Camp Covid 6. Camp Covid Epilogue 7. Return to Camp Covid NEWS: Calgary Herald, Global News, CBC News

The light at the end of the tunnel is still there, but just a little further away than it was yesterday. Alberta Health has extended my stay at Camp COVID for at least two more days after my scheduled release date because Jenn is still showing symptoms — that is to say she’s still working on clearing the pneumonia she caught that was caused by COVID-19 and it isn’t safe for me to return home.

By all accounts Jenn is getting better day-by-day thanks to our incredible healthcare system and access to healthcare professionals who continue to go above and beyond in this wild and crazy time. Our story has gotten a lot of press recently thanks to an article by Jason Herring at the Calgary Herald which is great because whatever we can do as a society to the relieve pressure on our healthcare system needs to be done.

Now is a good time to ask yourself if you are adding to the pressure, or doing any number of big or little things to reduce the pressure.

I have a general rule online to never read the comments. Comments are a release valve for those who feel unheard and I’m cool with that, I just choose not to read them. I’ve heard there have been both negative and positive reaction to the Hotel Isolation Program and I think it’s great that people can voice their appreciation and criticisms. I will tell you one thing though; what you see online is a teeny-tiny sliver of what I’ve been hearing personally. Overwhelmingly this program is being appreciated and only about 2% of all messages I’ve received or read (this number is made up but close to accurate) have been critical of the program, or just simply uninformed.

As for why I'm writing all of this down in my own weird way for the world to read, I refer to the immortal words from my mentors at Loose Moose Theatre, "If you have the choice, always start positive."

As I mentioned before, today was supposed to be my last full day at Camp Covid but I have a couple more days tacked on. It's tough but with the help of my friends it should be a breeze. For example, I just got a note from a friend of mine, Andy Fennell, asking if he could bring over a care package — who was I to say no? Andy owns Gravity Espresso & Wine Bar in Inglewood which is just down the road from my hotel. Like many cafe, restaurant, and bar owners in Alberta he’s been hit hard by the lockdowns, but also like the majority of kickass small business owners in Alberta, he not only takes his responsibilities to help keep everyone safe seriously, he also hasn’t let it defeat him.

To me Andy is the epitome of “The Heart of the New West” — a slogan I wish Calgary kept instead of “Be Part of the Energy”, but I digress. As I write this fourth instalment of ‘Camp Covid”, I do so with a fresh latte in hand, a cookie on a plate, bacon quiche in the fridge, and a variety of other treats that Andy delivered to the front desk of the Ramada Plaza Downtown for me.

Let’s be honest, it’s really all about Brad

You’re probably not reading this article to hear the same ol’ thing about COVID or healthcare or how hard the Front Line is working to keep you safe and healthy — you’re here about Brad. Brad, if you are new to ‘Camp COVID’, is the lamp that sits on my desk in my hotel room at the Ramada Plaza Downtown. Brad doesn’t work. Of all the lamps, in all the rooms, in all the lands, Brad will not work. There have been many discussions between Brad and I, and some have gotten pretty heated. At first I was upset with Brad because I felt this was something he was doing to me — taunting me with the possibility of illumination, but selfishly refusing to share his gift.

In a show of solidarity many of my friends, and more than a couple of strangers, have shared their stories with me about ‘Lamps Gone Bad’ and not just desk lamps. There have been accounts of floor lamps, end table lamps, hanging lamps, exterior lamps, and even a harrowing tale of a rogue nightlight that have brought their owners to tears over the years. You think it can’t happen to you, you think all you need to do is change a bulb now and then, but there’s more. So much more.

The care and feeding of lamps

Over the course of the last week and a half I have been patient with Brad. Sure, at first I was upset that he wasn’t working, but over time I came to see his stubbornness as endearing. Was Brad trying to teach me something about myself?

At first I was upset that he wasn’t working, but over time I came to see his stubbornness as endearing.

Day after day and night after night Brad would just sit there beside the microwave watching me go about my routine. Sometimes I could feel his judgement, but more often than not it was curiosity. How many wayward strangers has Brad seen in his lifetime? How many of those tried and failed to get him to turn on? How many didn’t even try, or even give him a second thought? I was starting to see how this might make a lamp bitter, or at the very least resigned, but Brad didn’t let this get to him. I like that about Brad, so every so often I’d try a different method to spin his switch, heck, I even tried the old ‘opening a safe’ technique, tumbling through imagined combinations, but to no avail.

So here I sit. I’m alone with my thoughts and a lamp that won’t work in a hotel I can’t leave. Daryl, the hopeful pancreas, has decided that life is better on the inside; Uncle Gout left a couple of days ago, presumably traveling to find something or someone else to bother and has left me alone; Dolores is now a fading memory, never to be forgotten and not fondly remembered.

Brad has another lesson to teach

Today is the day I help Brad, because to help Brad is to help myself. I have decided to operate on Brad so that he can fully enjoy his destiny of being a beacon of light in this one corner of the room. In my toolkit I have a knife that can be used as a screwdriver, several spoons, fruit cups with foil lids, wet naps, and a pair of rubber-soled shoes.

Brad doesn’t look convinced as I layout the equipment of my surgical suite on a hotel hand towel, but he’s a brave lamp. He’s doing some deep breathing exercises with me as I Google ‘how to fix a lamp’. To help put his mind at ease I spin my laptop around and hit play on the youtube video I found because its better to know what’s going to happen than not know. The video is almost seven minutes long and the host, Derek O’Bright, has an easy and reassuring demeanour and I just know Brad is going to love him.

I leave it to play for Brad and turn up the volume so I can hear the ever-riveting Derek O'Bright go through the steps of lamp repair as I attend to my laundry.

A Dropbear’s work is never done

No, I don’t have in-suite laundry. Nor do I have access to hotel laundry — I don’t think. I didn’t think to ask, actually. I just don’t want to be a bother, and frankly I don’t want other people washing my clothes because that’s weird. I don’t mind sending my button-down collar shirts out to get cleaned at Tower Cleaners in Kensington, but t-shirts, pants, socks and underwear? Nope. That’s weird.

Fortunately I haven’t really been wearing pants. Underpants, yes. Long pants, no. So while Brad is learning about his upcoming surgery and all that entails by the jaunty and entertaining Derek O’Bright, I’ll be a few steps away doing laundry like in the old days, by hand.

As it turns out seven minutes was the perfect amount of time for Hotel Bathroom Sink Laundry. And if you are at all concerned about drying times don’t be, in the winter Calgary sits at a generous 20% humidity so my delicates are nearly dry before they even got hung. Leaving my laundry to get crispy I slip on my rubber-soled shoes and double-check my surgical suite. I got this.

Derek O’Bright, Master Fixer, doesn’t mention this step but I do remember the wise words of my father, “Jesus Mike, don’t stick keys in the outlet!!” after he found me vibrating and twitching on the floor when I was about six years old. We also had a cat named Alfie who would chew on the wires of our old record player just to get a buzz, so if it’s one thing I know about doing electrical work — besides wearing rubber-soled shoes — its unplugging, or disconnecting, the power before diving into any electrical project — again even if you are wearing rubber-soled shoes.

“Jesus Mike, don’t stick keys in the outlet!!” Barrie Dargie, concerned parent

“Brad,” I say, “this won’t hurt a bit. When you wake up it’ll be like you’re brand new.”

Starting at the base I follow the cord carefully over the desk, behind the microwave, across the back of the coffee machine and over to the power bar where I discover the pointy end of the cord is not actually anywhere near the outlet. Excellent. Brad’s already unplugged.

“Ready Brad?” I ask as I open my knife.

Brad’s just looking at me. He looks at the plug, looks back at me, back at the plug. He’s looking at me like I’m an idiot.

I look down at the plug in my hand, and I’m like, “Hahahaha, good one Brad.” A bead of sweat appears on my brow, “Well played. How did you do it, BRAD?!?” I cry. “You think I was born yesterday? I know you unplugged yourself when I was doing laundry, BRAD!”

With trembling and unsure hands I push the plug into the outlet, and Brad just smiles; a 100 watt smile.

Brad knows. Brad is wise. He knows that I know that this wasn’t his doing, it was mine. He wasn’t broken at all, I was broken. And through his patience and wisdom I finally saw the light and learned a valuable answer to the question: Is it plugged in?

The phone is ringing. It’s the Distress Centre checking in again. “It’s amazing,” I gush. “Brad wasn’t broken, I just needed to plug him in!”

“Sir,” a concerned voice asks, “what hotel are you staying at again?”

Oblivious, I reply, “Oh hey, do you know if the city uses trained rodents to do radiator repairs?" I ask. "Because I’m sure there’s a crew in my room working the night shift.”

I have to go, there's someone knocking on my door. Like, a lot.